panic

 Sugar cage available here.

I have always known I wanted to have babies. My husband and I have been ready (well, as ready as you can get) for a while but we wanted to pay off our debts and save a little money. When I saw the second pink line on the test I burst out crying and literally fell on the floor. I am very happy!

Is it okay if I'm also freaking out a tiny bit?

See, this is the first thing I've ever done that is truly irrevocable.

Everything else has an escape route, even if it's difficult. Jobs can be quit. Houses can be sold. Pets can be given away. Marriages can be ended. Countries can be fled. But this baby is FOR EVER.

I have been in bad situations, and I know the suffocating feeling of being trapped, and the giddy elation of escaping. One of the reasons I knew it was a good idea to marry my husband is that I never felt trapped with him. And now I've voluntarily put myself into a position where there is no escape.

And it's already started. I can't take drugs and stay up all night partying. To be honest, I don't really want to. I didn't before I got pregnant, either. BUT NOW I CAN'T. I have a human being inside me and I have to look after it!

This isn't something that's keeping me up at night. I think I'm just hormonal and predisposed to anxiety and I'm exercising one of my greatest skills: finding something to worry about. The truth is, choosing not to have a child would be just as irrevocable.

It's hard being a grown-up.