birth plan

Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. Three-quarters of the way through; shit is getting serious. The books are telling me to make a birth plan to give to my hospital, so I did, and I thought I'd share it with you.

1. Whale sounds will be played until full cervical dilation is reached and the pushing stage begins. At this point Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song will be played on a loop. Midwives are encouraged to learn the words and sing along (lyrics provided, see Appendix). If you are tone-deaf please only mouth the lyrics!

2. I will be wearing a horned Viking helmet throughout labour. (This will need to be sterilised.) Please do not attempt to engage me in a debate about the historical authenticity of horned helmets.

3. Our videographer will be present throughout the labour, however he will only be filming my face (NOTHING BELOW THE NECK) in order to record my spiritual journey. This will later be released as a DVD entitled My Triumph and will be made available to hospital staff at wholesale price.

4. My husband will cut the cord with a broadsword (will need to be sterilised).

5. My husband will wrap the still-bloody infant in furs (to be provided by the hospital).

6. My husband will place my son on my bared breast.

7. Medical staff will file past the bedside paying tribute to my son and myself. (Tribute in the literal sense; gold coins will be provided.) All medical staff who assisted in the birth will take part, although other staff are welcome to join. Please do not look me in the eye! I will be gazing at my son.

8. My son will gaze back at me, full of awe at the goddess-like creature who brought him into this world.

9. I will be served a cheese platter.