antm s17 e07

 

Oh my lord, there is so much to talk about! Very little of it to do with modelling! Let's get this bath-party started!

Shannon (whose brand is trustworthy/pure/sanctimonious) is really giving me the shits this week. She complains that the judges "want me to be more raunchy... That's not part of my brand and who I am." Personal conviction is one thing, but your brand is really important! 'Thou shalt stay true to thine own brand, and market thyself accordingly' (Mark 4:12).

Now that Bianca has lost her best friend Bre, she is feeling isolated. Alexandria is pissing her off by being a loud-mouthed, arrogant and thoughtless person, which is deliciously ironic. Bianca complains that she liked Alexandria during her cycle: "I genuinely thought maybe she was a little misunderstood." You mean it's not fun to be around someone who is constantly rude while smugly preening herself on how "real" and "genuine" she is? What a shock!

But now it's time for their challenge, and to further their adventures as meaningless "celebrities", they are going to "design" their own fragrance (ie spend five minutes sniffing bottles). At first I though this wouldn't be amusing - how can a fragrance translate on screen? - but luckily the models have been given plenty of chances to make fools of themselves. They all have to choose names for their fragrance; Lisa chooses 'Neon' (of course) and Shannon likes 'Smitten.' "I love the name Smitten! Like pure, angelic... That's like totally what I hope t-- what I am!" Um... I don't think that word means what you think it means. Also, anyone who changes "what I hope to be" to "what I am" needs a little of that humility Jesus was so keen on.

Angelea calls her fragrance 'Angelea.' Hey, at least she doesn't try to hide it.

Allison chooses 'Honey Blood,' because she's like totally into blood because she's so WEIRD! You guys! She's so creative and different to everyone else! Except every teenager ever!

Alexandria calls her fragrance 'Diamondatrix.' She says this very proudly, as though it is a clever wordplay, instead of a hastily-chosen team name at a drag queen quiz night.

Now it's time to sell this shit like a hooker on a street corner! The models will be given a range of products with their scent and a bath full of water, and will try to convince fans of the show that theirs is the best. The public will be voting on the winner. Bianca is very grumpy about this whole bath idea, which she thinks is undignified. This strikes me as an odd complaint from someone who wants to be a professional model.

They seem to be doing their own styling for the event, and Lisa puts on the biggest false eyelashes I have ever seen.

 

Seriously, she can barely open her eyes. She looks like she put pheremones on her eyelids and fuzzy black caterpillars are mating on them.

The models have to interact with the public, which is easier for some than others. When asked about the name of her fragrance, Honey Blood, Allison explains, "It represents, like, whimsical, mysterious, soft... like a safe place to go." Ugh, I just knew she was the type of person to use the word 'whimsical.' 

Bianca stands next to her bathtub, wearing a dress, and refuses to get in. She points out that she has never seen Beyonce in a bathtub. I decide to start using this argument at work. "I've never seen Beyonce update a spreadsheet!"

Of course, Lisa is in her element: lots of people, minimal clothing, and the opportunity to writhe and scream. She pretty much bears out Bianca's 'undignified' argument.

Of course, Lisa wins the challenge. What is wrong with people?!? I am starting to worry that she will win the cycle! Of course, that means we will probably never see her again. I bet her fragrance smells like chlorine and hangovers.

And now it is announced: the winner of the cycle will have her fragrance produced and sold! Ugh. (Unless it is Laura's, which I bet is great.)

OK, enough of this nonsense: let's get modelling! After that silly business I am ready for some high-fashion, high concept fashion photography. It's a night shoot, and the models are asked to embody... reality TV stars. Specifically, Snooki from Jersey Shore and NeNe (from a Real Housewives show). On a motorcycle. Once again, classy move, ANTM!

Bianca has a brainwave and orders a jar of pickles, as these are apparently Snooki's favourite food. (She is shocked that some of the others haven't seen these shows, as if watching reality TV is a prerequisite for modelling on par with reading Italian Vogue.) The others ask if they can have one but she keeps 'em to herself. This is a competition, after all! She brings a pickle on set and starts acting sexy. The results are predictable.

After Mr Jay and the photographer repeatedly tell her she looks like she's sucking it off, Mr Jay has to forcibly remove it and throw it away.

Alexandria is trying to channel NeNe, but basically falls back on a mid-90s black stereotype and just waggles her finger at the camera and raises her eyebrow.

 

Shannon is somewhat fazed by the assignment, as she knows that Snooki is a Godless Whore. "Maybe I'll just be like a tamed-down Snooki!" she says brightly, which suggests to me that she has never watched ANTM. When Mr Jay tries to get her to do something interesting, she complains, "What does he want me to do, be daring like Lisa and jump off a building or something?" which makes me wonder if Mr Jay is constantly trying to get Lisa to jump off a building. If so, I wish him the best of luck.

Dominique poses by squishing down the motorcycle driver's head, making her photo look like she is headed for an imminent collision.

 OK, shoot's over. Back at the house Bianca is still going on about the bathtub, pointing out that she has not seen Kanye West or Courtney Love in a bathtub or something. Give it a rest, Bianca! It's time for panel!

The guest judge for this panel is... Kathy Griffith?!? What? I guess she's a reality TV star? If you've ever wondered how much input the guest judges are allowed to have on the choices, here's your answer. The photos are boring, but Lisa's is actually... toned-down? Classy? Oh shit. She wins top photo and her domination looks truly possible. Argh!

But the drama's not over, because it's a DOUBLE ELIMINATION! The pure, good powers of Michael Jackson have been overcome by the dark powers of Tyra. It is between Shannon, Bianca and Kayla and Shannon stays. Booooooooring.

The ranks are thinning! Who will go on to become et cetera? ONLY TYRA KNOWS!