recap: project runway all-stars, episode 01

When I found out that the next season of Project Runway was going to be a) an all-stars season (no fresh talent) and b) would not feature my beloved Tim Gunn, I was pretty disappointed. But I strapped on my beaded wrist-spats and trimmed my asymmetrical hemline, and watched the first episode. And once I realised that most of the all-stars had been chosen not so much for their talent as for their personalities, I knew there would be plenty to keep me watching. 

(Note: please excuse the drawings. I have an iPad and I did these with my finger in front of the television. That is how it's going to be from now on.)

First of all, Mondo is back. YES! Season 8 was actually my first season of PR (although I went back and watched most of the others) and I adored Mondo's work and thought he was robbed. If Mondo doesn't win this season I will be calling for a Parliamentary inquiry. 

I also really like Anthony, who is just very cute and fun to watch, and Austin Scarlett, who I admire for living his life as a character rather than a person. He is currently channeling Vincent Price with his tiny moustache and mad staring eyes. I'm not a big fan of Austin's designs but I would watch a show where he just got dressed in the morning.

 

But don't worry, there are plenty of villains too! As soon as I heard her nasal, braying voice I knew that the awful Kenley was back. Speaking of awful voices, I didn't see Kara Janx's season so I don't know what she's like as a designer, but that South African accent really is like nails on a blackboard, isn't it? (I have an Australian accent, the world's second most awful accent, so I can's afford to make fun.) And for some reason, Elisa Jiminez has been included in this all-star line-up. If you don't remember her, it's because she appeared in the fourth season of PR and was eliminated in episode 6, only lasting that long because the PR judges always like to rid of the boring designers before the awful, nutty ones. She is best remembered for using spit instead of chalk to mark her garments and calling it a 'blessing mark.'

All-stars!

The new host Angela is a model I guess? What would I know. She doesn't seem as sociopathic as Heidi, so that's boring. The new judges are Isaac Mizrahi and Georgina Chapman. So far they are boring. And the new mentor is Joanna Coles, an editor with Marie Claire.  You can never replace Tim Gunn! Leave me alone! You're not my real mum! (buries head in pillows)

The designers are shown to their apartment and already Elisa is showing herself to be a class act by 'marking' her bed by wiping her lipsticked mouth on it. Charming. The designers are shown a video of Valentino reading out a message and pimping his website, which makes them all cry.

The designers each show a piece of their current work to the judges, who are boringly polite about it all. Then it's off to the first challenge! Of course, it's an Unconventional challenge, this time to make a garment inspired by their runway garment from things found in a 99c store. It's the usual routine of run around madly, freak out that someone else got the same stuff as you, burn a hole in your plastic dress with a glue gun. Yawn. Jerell seems to be trying to amp up his personality, perhaps realising the secret to staying on reality television. He has a lot of new catchphrases such as "Me no likey!" Good luck with that one.

And it's runway time! Elisa has made a predictably terrible outfit consisting of booty shorts, a bustier and long, pointless semi-transparent sleeves with stupid shit written on them. Just what every woman needs!

 

She is thrilled. "This time it's even a little bit more special, because I really swore that I would make high art," she enthuses. 

Kenley has put a shower puff on her model's head.

Austin has used blue plastic to make a dress that puffs out at the model's hips and shoulders and leaves her stomach bare. She looks like a Mormon stripper.

 

Rami wins with a very structured garment made out of umbrellas, which is kind of cheating because they are pretty much made of fabric. Mondo comes second (ROBBED) with an awesome dress made of tyres or something. Sweet P, who made a sad dress out of towels, is up for elimination with Elisa. Elisa tries to explain her fluttery, fugly sleeves: "I do a lot with sacred geometry." Oh, OK then! It seems that this season's judges might be going for design and sewing skills over kookiness, because she is out. May the Goddess bless your hotpants!