antm s17 e04

 

The march towards total cultural collapse continues this week on America's Next Top Model: All Stars. This week the models have to do something all models need to be good at. No, not marrying rock stars, acting!

First, however, we need to get our weekly dose of Drama! The girls get mail, but for some reason Camille's mail is full of bills. This is because she is a grown-up. She tells us about how she is older than the rest and modelling doesn't bring in all that much money and this is her last chance at happiness (implied). In fact throughout the show we return to Camille talking about how the other girls are younger and can bounce back but she can't afford to get kicked out. I wonder what all this means?

Never mind because Kayla's collapsing! She is dizzy and hyperventilating and she took something? It is so dramatic that one of the camera guys puts down his camera! Don't worry, one or two are still recording the girls looking worried. "This is very scary for me," Dominique complains. Kayla goes to hospital with Laura (who is definitely the one you would want in hospital with you, she is a sweetheart). She has had an episode of cardiac arrhythmia. But the show must go on!

The challenge this week is an audition for CSI, which everyone is extremely excited about. They are taken to the set. "I feel like I'm in the actual place!" enthuses Alexandria. It's confusing! They meet the boss of CSI, who is wearing the shiniest suit I have ever seen. Classy!

But wait! They have to learn lines! With long words!! Oh shit. As Kayla puts it, "Half the words are longer than my face!" Then how are they going to fit into your head?!?

The models are predictably terrible. They struggle especially with the phrase 'gas chromatograph mass spectrometer.' Dominique gives up completely and calls it the ass gas mass. Lisa just says the word 'fuck' a whole bunch. Bre and Angelea both do well but Bre wins.

The photo shoot is for an online clothes shop Express, which will give the cycle winner a contract. As a result the clothes are pretty boring catalogue stuff, and the styling is bland. Oh, except for the GIANT FUR HAT they put on Kayla, making it look like a wombat is eating her head.

 

The models are given one of four 'characters' or words to embody: girlfriend, socialite, flirt, and one I can't remember. Serial killer? Lumberjack? For some reason, even though several of the other women have modelled professionally after ANTM, Bianca considers herself to be the only 'real' model. She reveals that she is not bothering to think about the word 'flirt', because "in the real world of modelling, you don't get a word." Mr Jay pulls her aside to ask her why she is doing a crappy job and she can't imagine why.

Alexandria is put in a bright red suit that makes her look like a real estate agent. Mr Jay says that the way she is modelling it makes her look a) like a madam and b) old. I think some of the blame should go to the tomato suit but she is being pretty awful. In the final photo she has one hand in front of her like a robot and the other flexed backwards like she just dropped her chip packet behind her.

Lisa is turned up to 11, as usual. She insists on jumping constantly, and then makes the poor male models carry her while she cackles insanely. Even back at the house she can't stop jumping. Someone once told her her energy was charming and she has based her entire personality on it.

 

Have you noticed how Tyra is always wearing suspenders this season? So far she has resisted the urge to stick her thumbs behind them and strut around, although she may do that backstage. The photos are are totally boring catalogue stuff.  Lisa continues to drive me nuts by walking backwards on the runway. She is wearing a giant pink knitted bow in her hair and looks truly demented. 

  

The judges appear to share one iPad during judging. You should write to Apple, I bet they would gives you another one for free! Then you could share one between two instead of handing it around. One of the judges is the CSI dude, who knows lots about modelling and is just a really good judge and cool guy. One of the photos is a profile and he comments, "If I'm writing a cheque, I don't want to pay for half a face!" Good point!

Andre Leon Talley, who loves to slip French words into his conversation (so sophisticated!) begins, "I am so absolutely fatiguée--" "Tired!" shouts Tyra, excited by this opportunity to school the viewers. Thanks, Tyra! You are so, 'ow you say, cosmopolitan! 

  

Angelea gets top photo for looking like a Russian housewife/hooker and Lisa and Camille are on the bottom. Gosh, who will it be? They are both in trouble for making excuses. "Lisa left the room and her cousin, the Excuse Monster, came in!" says Tyra, in what is presumably a pre-written speech. It makes sense that Lisa's relatives are monsters. Still nobody calls her on her giant bow. Camille goes home, of course.

Modelling!